I don't have a dog. But still, someone has to speak for them.
The Metropolitan Pavilion in Manhattan was the scene of a protest yesterday as a group of dogs barked, ran around, and refused to continue to participate in the various activities of Pet Fashion Week. Disgusted owners, frustrated spectators, and furious vendors were appalled.
According to cocker spaniel David Doggie, union rep for the protesting dogs, his members have numerous grievances. He barked those complaints to Spoof reporter Gail Farrelly, who understands dog talk. Farrelly reports that, according to Mr. Doggie, owners:
— Dressed their dogs in silly clothes (for example, decorative crowns, jeweled collars, evening dress, etc.) and then expected them to be happy about it.
— Forced them to walk a CATwalk. ("Imagine, DOGS on a CATwalk. It's an outrage," according to Mr. Doggie.)
— Desecrated their fur, with some owners dyeing the fur on their pets to better coordinate with their outfits! ("All the emphasis on appearance is disgusting," Mr. Doggie pointed out. He put his little paw over his heart and barked, "It's what's inside that counts.")
— Tried to motivate and reward them with some disgusting, no-fat dog biscuits. (An indignant Mr. Doggie insisted, "They tasted like sawdust. If the owners want to eat that kind of stuff, let them. We demand nice, traditional doggie treats!")
Y'know," Mr. Doggie barked, "Roger Caras once said, Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. Why can't our owners remember that and treat us with a little dignity?"
Gail Farrelly is the author of three mystery novels. The latest is "Creamed at Commencement: A Graduation Mystery." One of her short stories is published online: "Get Yourself a Face" (about a Mafia princess who buys herself a face transplant and a lot of trouble). Her story "Even Steven" was a finalist in the 2007 Derringer Award competition.