The Spoof: Sly Stallone Rings Opening Bell at NYSE; Cracks the Bell BY Gail Farrelly

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Farrelly_Gail Sunday, 22 August 2010

NY Stock Exchange officials were glad to bid adieu to Stallone and his cohorts.

Last weekend, movie star Sylvester Stallone took over the box office with his new movie, "The Expendables." Then on Thursday, he and fellow cast members — Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Terry Crews — took over the New York Stock Exchange, making an appearance to ring the opening bell.

"As soon as they arrived, we knew they were trouble," an official of the Stock Exchange said. The Spoof has learned that the movie stars were just in the door when they started showing off, flexing their muscles and sparring with each other.

When Stallone stepped up to ring the bell (actually to push the button that makes the bell ring), all hell broke loose. Instead of gently pushing the button once, he just kept on pushing it, again and again, with all his might (sort of like a Rocky or Rambo), causing the bell to ring and ring and ring, until it finally cracked in several places. Yikes!

Then Terry Crews divested himself of his shirt to reveal his fantastic pecs. Several female traders swooned at this sight, rendering them unable to work for the rest of the day.

At a press conference after the event, a reporter wanted to know if, in the event of an "Expendables 2," the Stallone crew would be invited back to the Stock Exchange for a repeat performance. A Stock Exchange official gave a tight smile and said, "Of course." But in private, the same guy was heard to complain, "Over my dead body. Once is more than enough to have those characters here. What did WE get out of their visit? Stricken traders, a broken bell, and a lower market. Yep, that's right. At the end of Thursday, the Dow Jones Industrial average, Nasdaq, and the S&P 500 were all down."

The official shook his head from side to side with disgust, adding, "If there's a sequel, let them ring someone else's bell."

Gail Farrelly is the author of three mystery novels. The latest is "Creamed at Commencement: A Graduation Mystery." One of her short stories is published online: "Get Yourself a Face" (about a Mafia princess who buys herself a face transplant and a lot of trouble). Her story "Even Steven" was a finalist in the 2007 Derringer Award competition.


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eHeziThe Spoof: Sly Stallone Rings Opening Bell at NYSE; Cracks the Bell BY Gail Farrelly

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